...i forgot.....................

i forgot... how to cry...

i don't know how, or when.

But today my heart was hurting, and no tears came to sooth my pain.

i realized how i have become so numb.  More so than i knew.

Instead of hurt, there was a dullness... i can't explain.

Not quite hurt, not quite an anger, not quite disappointment.  But a sea of welling emotions...

and it makes me sick.

The if's, the do's, the don't's, the maybe's, the shouldn't's, the will's, the promises,

...never... a word i wish i didn't know...

...always... another, i wish didn't exist...

because their meaning cannot be known... except through Christ... and then - only then - do we know what never & forever truly mean...

 -i love you... come back-

 

...i cannot feel... and nothing can hurt me... i am invincible... or so i tell myself...

...but somehow, some part of me, doesn't quite believe... 

...some small part that remembers I am actually human... some part that still is able to love...

and then i create pity for myself...
and i cannot explain how i block it all out... because even i have yet to figure it out... and if i did, i could never stop it by myself.

i am protected, and trapped, by this wall i have created... suffocated, kept alive... dying and living... forgetting to remember... remembering to forget... mistrust... and now i'm alone... except i'm not...  but i choose it...  because help only seems to hurt...
-written 2/26/2011-