analogy perhaps

a silent world is paused for me,

or so it seems to be.

a peaceful world on the surface,

that underneath holds no bliss.

 a silly world toys within,

thinking it will win.

a crazy world pulls me hard,

pulls tight my pearly guard

a noisy world is closing in,

on all the good again.

a frightening world is coming close

 larger growing all my woes.

~

a little world says one and all,

but as the troubles fall.

a heavy world is what i find,

between all of the lines.

~

a blissful world again appears,

as whispers fill my ears.

a happy world if only i,

would listen to the lie.

a suspended world in space and time,

where nothing ever crosses lines.

a tranquil world where all is right,

good and bad never fight.

~

a hurting world is all we have,

God is good, and Satan 's bad.

a created world by God's own hand,

saved by His son, a high demand.

a world in which it is hard to clearly see,

when all i see is imperfect me.

~

a perfect world is still to come,

 when face to face i see the One.

a beautiful world in which He lives,

the One whose pain and torture forgives.

a lovely world where i am free,

from all the loads that have burdened me.

-written 11/6/2011-

searching...

backpacking rocks,

climbing a mountain,

hiking,

thinking.

reaching flat top,

cold wind blowing,

listening,

praying.

throwing over edge,

stone explosions,

crashing,

blowing.

halfway lighter,

pensively descending,

walking,

pondering.

reaching bottom,

mind still buzzing,

wishing,

wondering.

finished walking,

'round thoughts wander,

searching,

searching.

go where, why, when,

 feet still, mind going,

moving,

waiting.

still.... searching... searching still...

- written 10/3/11 -

coffee, breeze, & friends...

sipping my coffee sweet breeze on my face,

thinking about all the beauty i've missed

just because of a silly mistake -

dwelling on sad things and ignoring God's grace.

sorrow may come, and for a while may stay

beating me down til i no longer can stand,

trials may break me and i may fail

i may find it hard to endure each passing day.

and though i am sure i will fail constantly,

i may be blind every day of my life

to all i've been blessed with and all He provides,

i know He has placed friends to be there for me.

~

they are the ones who help me through trials

get me on track when i've wander for miles.

they are the ones who know my heart's cry

and remind me of it when all my passion has died.

when life is a mess and my emotions are high,

when all i want is to give up and die,

they are the ones who refuse to say no
when i don't know where else to go

whether argue or love or laugh or cry
they each help me in some way and i
don't know what i would do without 'em
don't know how i'd get through life without them 

-completed 9/24/2011-

simply sand?...

"in the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth."

have you ever stopped and thought about that one statement? that God painted everything we can see and that we can't see into existence.  He knows the number of hairs on your head and the how many grains of sand are on the beaches.  and yet He isn't a boring God who just likes to count.  

He is a God of creativity beyond the human scope.  our view of what is beautiful - what is creative - is limited to what we can easily understand.  however, God expresses His creativity in ways beyond our ability to comprehend or even see.

think about sand for instance.  sand is itchy dry stuff that gets everywhere.  it is messy and preferable to avoid.  yet God created it.

  please look at the three pictures in the following link(especially the second one):

simply_sand

  

those are grains of sand!  each one completely unique, a minuscule creation.  God's handiwork.  we only lack the ability to see what God has put before us.  if God put such detail into each grain of sand, proving once again that He is the ultimate Creator, then how much more does He care about you?  how much more beautiful and precious are you to Him?

in Heaven we are told that we will walk on streets of gold.  gold will be the dirt beneath our feet.  but is it not amazing that God has already put beauty beneath our feet!  the sand that we consider a nuisance is just another way that God shows His amazing attention to detail, His creative eye, His love for us.  the God of the universe, of the stars and planets and galaxies, the One who is bigger than time, HE created the sand that sticks to the bottom of your feet.

oh how He loves you!

♥

-written 7/29/2011-

..to the dreams that leave...

dreams come out of a dull nowhere,
and take me to a mysterious somewhere.
until i wake up and discover that i am still here,
and the dreams i was dreaming, slowly disappear.......

if only i could convince them to stay,
to make them real somehow, someway.
but instead they nod a curt tally-ho,
i miss them already, wish they didn't have to go.....

goodbye pleasant dreams, please visit again,

i'm still waiting for you re-begin.

maybe next time you will not leave,

but stay with me - one day we'll see....

-written 7/29/2011-

overflow...

"dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening"

dance for the Lord until you can no longer stand! shout for the King until you go hoarse!

worship with all your heart until He returns!

 

so what if i am not the best dancer?... David looked idiotic enough dancing in the streets to completely mortify his wife.

so what if i am not the best singer?... does God cares?  God isn't looking for talent, but for honest and humble hearts.  

if my heart is right then my praises are like incense to Him.  that means my insignificant praises make the God of the universe, who is beyond my wildest imagination, bigger than all my dreams, the one who can see all of time, the one who knows all things... SMILE! :)

  

and yet i find it so hard to concentrate on Him.  submitting myself as an offering, giving all i have to glorify His powerful name.  letting my hearts overflow.  not just through dancing and singing.  but in anything and everything that i do.  where is my heart?

   

  if we did not praise Him the rocks will cry out!

...today is today...

do you want to be one-upped by a stone?

does God smile when He looks at my heart?... looks at yours?

-written 7/26/2011-

...sweet baby kisses...

a sweet face full of life and purity.  no worry creased her face in sorrow, no sadness filled her eyes.  her little, round nose sat happily in the middle of her face beneath two large, round, golden eyes that danced in merriness.  those eyes so easily moved to compassion, so easily filled with love, look on - big and beautiful.  above the sweet, small chin smiles little lips of roses, parted ever so slightly revealing a pretty smile of a pure child.  never pulled in sorrow only bright with childish dreams, her lips give sweet baby kisses covered in sticky ice cream.  a turn of that shining head, and the locks of her golden hair dance.  they leap and skip to the tune of the sun and wave at the flower of the summer.  those locks of hair so soft and sweet shine like the rays of the sun bouncing off the clouds into the palm of my hand.  long and silky the waves of hair frame her face in light.  this wonder of nature, this sweet little girl, this fairy of flowers, is the one i call my sister.  she is loving and kind and always here for me, the only sister that i want to call my own.

  

-to my beloved sissy-

-written 12/31/2010- 

two wheels...

dusk creeps in,

porch lights disrupt the coming darkness.

my five dollar pink and white bicycle stands ready, it's training wheels still attached.

daddy is seated on the porch step, screw driver in hand,

loosens the white training wheels.

how can he pick my bike up like that?  

to me it is heavy and hard to move, but to him it is a light thing.

  

with a promise of barbecue, and my daddy's strong arms to trust, i straddle my bicycle - altogether new without my trusty training wheels.

what do i do if i fall?

 

i start with the tires on two round flat weights,

then, matching pink helmet on, i am at one end of the straight sidewalk... a new adventure.

i'm scared to pick both feet up off the ground, daddy will drop me.

but he doesn't, he promises he won't and he doesn't.

i start out slow, slow... speeding up.

don't let go, i don't want to do it by myself! how do i stop?

 

a fall or two, determination, fading light, daddy's strong arms.

and then i stop falling, and i can do it on my own.

no training wheels.

balance.

i don't know if i ever got barbecue, i don't know how many times i fell, i don't even remember if i was actually able to ride on my own very well that night.  but i can ride now.  i don't worry about falling anymore.  i rarely wear a helmet and knee pads.  i can do it on my own now.

i learned how not to fall back then.  and as i grew i taught myself how to do other things.  taught myself how to change gears, how to ride with no hands, how to skid my tires, how to pop my front wheel up... but i never would have been able to learn those things if i hadn't first learned how to balance on two wheels.

two wheels... riding with two wheel

-written 7/20/2011-

God's google

i googled the word "inspiration" today and the first thing to come up was someone trying to sell a software learning program.

  

it caused me to start thinking of how i would change google if i could.

  

googling the word "inspiration" would bring up a link to the Bible and pictures of God's handiwork around us.  Three dimensional images of nature singing the praises of their Creator.  inspirational Bible passages that give Him glory.

imagine typing in the word "love" and instead of a link to "The Love Calculator," one would see the word "GOD" in big letters filling the whole screen.(1John 4:8 "God is love")  at the bottom would be a phone number to call if you wanted to accept Christ into your heart, an example prayer of acceptance, and passages of Scripture.

 

imagine God's google... no fudged, inappropriate, or distracting information.  only truth.

-written 6/29/2011-

...to climb or to jump?...

standing on the edge of a cliff... sunrise... the dawn of something new...

to jump means to fall... is it worth it?
  
the blazing sun peaks its softest edges up above the horizon and lights the pale blue sky with a brilliance of a polished shell on wet sand.  always moving steadily, like a mother stroking her child's hair.  soft and gentle.
  
down... looking down now... into a vast mysterious drop
a veil of misty white sweeps her translucent hair back and forth, blocking the view of the depths.  making judgment hard.  creating confusion with grace.  and yet, as in times before, the mystery and promise of excitement call out in a bubbling song.

brilliant rocks stand proudly on the side of the cliff speak of shining hope and joy, while gloomy stones hide in the shadows whispering doubts and sorrows.
tempting adrenalin sweeps over at the thought of unknowns waiting to be discovered.  fear invades at the idea of hidden dangers.
and all waits.

pain awaits, joy awaits, misunderstanding awaits, happiness awaits, mystery awaits.

  
to jump means to leave behind all reason.
  
reason is the rope, God is the belayer, i am the climber.
to climb means........... what?
  
to climb down is slow and laborious.  it is hard.  but in the end only a few cuts or bruises are the result, at worst.  God's voice, directing and encouraging from the bottom where He can see all, will protect from hurt if heeded.  difficulty will nurture strength.
to jump is easy.  it requires no rope of reason, it is carefree and fun... for a time.  but broken bones and fatal wounds are waiting at the bottom, if the bottom doesn't go on forever.
     
...to climb or to jump?...

to wait means to fall unprepared... the dawn won't wait forever...
-written 6/27/2011-

cheese & growing up

growing up take discipline, wisdom, change, love, hurt, tears, laughter, work, courage.

it is hard.  it means tearing yourself away from all you know and creating a new world for yourself.

 

take a block of cheese for example.  you take a grater and slowly rub the cheese against the sharp holes until little strips of cheese are scraped off.  you rub until your fingers are in danger of being cut and all you have left is a little stub of cheese.  the grated cheese has changed shape and is ready to create something new and different.  To melt and become something original.

your parents are the hand that shreds the cheese.  preparing it for use.  that little stub of leftover cheese is the bond you have with your parents.  the part of you that loves them despite arguments and the need to separate from them.  and finally when the cheese melts together to form something new, that is who you are in the end.

 

perhaps cheese isn't the best illustration of what growing up is like.  but i know this.  it hurts.

it not only hurts because you love your parents... but because they love you despite all the pain you cause.

-written 6/22/2011-

gardenia

A wilting flower's death,
comes with it's sweet and fragrant final breath.

Once each petal's withered brown,
each velvet ray has drifted down.

  
Still a hint of life remains,
a vague scent of beauty sings a solemn strain;

and only those with eyes to see

can, in mind, understand its former glory.

-written 5/?/2011-

...a dive...

 ...a quiet splash...

i dive straight and shallow, deep and strong.  The cool water glides over me and i am blind... flying.  Those sweet moments of complete freedom from the world, when the only thing that matters is holding my breath and feeling the water speed pass.  Seeing the light through my closed eyes shine in patches on water.  All the cares and worries are left behind, because for an instant in time i am too fast for them to keep up.  It is like a dance, like a symphony, like a pure emotion, like a pause in time.  Then i reach the end, surface for air.  The quiet is gone, the noisy world crowds in.  The cool is gone, the sun glares hot.  The motion is gone, i am still.  The feeling is gone, my worries have caught up.  So i get out, walk across the burning pavement, and do it all over again.

-written 5/10/2011-

..........bend me

i'm scared to death... but then i hear the breeze blowing outside my window.  Strong, gentle... Swaying the trees, bending them to it's mercy.  Making the leaves dance in a quiet song.

The breeze finds it's way to me and i'm calm again, cool again.

 

Each time the pine trees bend in the wind, they always end up strong again.  Always stand up tall again.  They may be a little more bare, but their roots are strong.

Each time the wind blows my life around, i think it is time to fall.  i think it is time to give up and stop trying anymore.  i forget that i'm only bent and not broken.  And when the wind stops blowing, i will learn how to stand up straight again...  because my roots are stronger, and i will last longer than those stormy winds thought i would.  It's only when i give up that the wind will break me down.  Only when i stop bending that i will break.
 
A dancer cannot dance when she has not stretched - she will pull a muscle.  But the more she stretches, again and again over time, the more agile and flexible she will be.  And after a while, instead of only going this far, she will be able to go much further.
   
The same with life.  When hard times come, and we learn to cope - to bend in the wind instead of letting it knock us over - we will find that the next time a worse storm comes, a stronger wind, we will be able bend a little more.  We won't break, because our roots are stronger, our muscles more limber.  And we find ourselves bending a little further, and dancing a little stronger in the wind.  Far beyond what we ever imagine we could
  
i know, as i look back, that had i not faced hard times before... i would not be able to face the hard times now... and those to come...
  
"Thank you for all the trials in my life that made me strong enough for this.  Make me stronger, Lord.  Lead me on to the next storm.  And please remind me to keep bending when i feel like breaking.  To rely on You as my roots... my stronghold in the wind."
 
-written 5/5/2011-

...blank page...

A blank page before me.  The keys of my computer ready to break into a symphony of clattering tap-tapping.  A million metaphors and similes are at my disposal.  Cloudy ideas and images float around in my head.  An endless array of feelings to choose from.  But i can't seem to choose.  i can't find an idea that seems worth describing.  My keys go silent as i try to think of a reason to say something.  i look around my room.  See all the worthless things i hold dear.

i look back at the blank page before me.  The keys still waiting to be touched.  My mind is still wandering.  My fingers idle.
Then i hear the keys going tap-tap.  And somehow i write what i feel, although no one will understand, except for maybe me.
-written 4/28/2011-

...little toad...

Last night I caught a toad.  I took a sweet little girl, about two years old, outside and immediately she was asking about finding a toad.  Making a sweet noise with her tongue and looking everywhere for the little creatures.  I don't know how, but i found one and caught it.  When i showed it to her, her entire face lit up!  It was so sweet to see the innocent joy on her face in such a simple creature!

Crazy how much beauty was in that little animal.  It was so special to have that little toad cling to my finger and to be able to look at it.  To see it's amazing eyes staring back at me and the shape of its tiny head.  To watch it move and breathe.  Full of life.  A perfect creation by God.  A quiet reminder of all He is, and all He has done.  Giver of life, Creator of beauty, Lord of all.

-written 4/26/2011-

goodnight world

In bed
at night
with my eyes half closed

i listen to the world.

 

i hear the sound of the highway -

an ever-present noise.
 
A siren sounds,
i wonder where it is going,
and pray that it gets there in time.

   
I hear the honk of an eighteen wheeler
and the sound of its big tires on the highway.

   
A train whistles as it passes.

The streetlight outside my window shines in.

    
All reminders that the world keeps going even while i'm sleeping.
 
goodnight world.

-written 4/5/2011-

moonlight dance

Sand between my toes.
Midnight moonlight dancing on the ocean to a far off melody -
the quiet song of the waves on the shore.
   

Wet and soft is the sand underneath my feet.
It gives way to my toes as i run along the beach
flying in the rushing air.
   

The wind catches my hair
spreading it wide in a sail behind me.
i stretch out my arms and spin around.
Joining the moonlight in its dance to the music of the waves.
  

i splash ankle deep in the water,
smell the salty air,
feel the refreshing tide as it laps over my feet.
  

This beach is mine - for a moment.
  

i could walk along the edge of the water forever,
just dancing in the moonlight.
Free.

-written 4/5/2011-

........daydreaming.........

Songs play backward and forward in my head.
Music turned up.
 
In the middle of a song i hear myself humming along
and my mind is wandering again.
 
I smile at the visiting thought of someone.
Wondering if someone is thinking of me.
 
The song continues to play,
pictures of other days and imagined moments flash through my head.
  
Silence... 
 and i have forgotten what the end of the song just said.

But I don't care,
because i can see the face of someone who isn't here.
 
My glance falls on the school in front of me.
I pick up my pencil,
take one last glance out the window,
and try to shut my daydreams away for a little while.

-written 4/1/2011-

backward breeze....................

what good do metaphors do when the emotions in your soul are too many to describe?  And yet they are all i have to describe how i feel.  Memories of moments i will never forget.  Memories of moments i wish i could forget. 
 

Each memory but a breeze in my life.  A wind blowing my heart here and there.  Mistakes like a gushing wind pushing me off course.  God's gentle voice like a soft gentle breeze guiding me back to where I am supposed to be going.  Is it possible that i will ever get there, when i feel like i keep taking two steps backward but only one step forward? 
 

...and the breezes keep blowing....

-written 3/29/2011-

the spring morning

The spring morning... the cool gray light, the soft clean breeze, the smell of dew, the song of many birds.  And the only word that comes to mind is gossamer.  Because the word means something like silk.  A cloth of something even finer than a spiders web.  Can you imagine?... a garment, a dress made of the delicate lace of a spider?  Shimmering with a dew of diamonds.  Lighter than air in the foggy morn.  Softer than the down of a newly hatched songbird.  So delicate, so fine that when the sun comes out to shine, it will melt away... like the damp morning air... like cotton candy in your mouth... light and sweet for an instant... and then gone again... leaving you wanting more...

This is how the morning is... here for a little while... bright, clear, pure... and then gone until it comes again.  So also our attitudes.  For a moment, in the peace of the morning we are joyous, happy, content... but as the sun comes out to shine, as the heat of the day presses in on us... all the calm of the morning melts away, and we forget those few moment... become irritable, agitated.

Make your attitude toward others like that of a spring morning... a cool refreshing breeze to the sun-scorched world...

-written 3/24/2011-

visitors in my tree

Yesterday i sat high up in my tree, trying to study.  Enjoying the beautiful weather, the breeze, the smell of the outdoors.  In complete silence i sat with my book in front of me.  

All of the sudden i heard a buzz, and glancing up i saw two bees coming to visit me in my tree.  My first instinct was to shy away and leave the tree, let them be.  But i stayed and watched as they wandered among the branches buzz-buzzing loudly.  Looking at me, an invader to this space, wondering what to do with my presence.  Then moving on to search the birdhouse.  And finally leaving the tree in peace.  

i look back at my book.  The flurry of wings made me jump.  i look up at the brown object flying directly toward me, it takes a moment to register what it is.  A robin.  Not but a foot or two from my head she lights on a branch.  Then retreats in a frantic flight.  And she is gone, as she had come.  Only there for a moment, not long enough for me to even enjoy it.  But amazing to have been that close to a wild creature, a wonderful little bird.

...invited to be a part of the nature around me...

-written 3/23/2011-

...feelings of nature...

The breeze caresses my wild hair...  The damp earth cools my wearied feet...  The sunlight wraps it's warmth around my shoulders...  The tree limbs hold me strong... The raindrops kiss my smiling cheeks...

...and all together they are God's heart loving mine...

-written 3/22/2011-

Singing Flowers!!

The sun fades in and out as it drifts lazily among the clouds high above.  Appearing cool and pale then shifting slowly bright and strong.  The little white flowers reflect the sun's wanderings.  They are soft white blooms dancing on the trees.  The sun shines down and they become brilliant, almost blinding... like snow.  Melting now... into soft petals still smiling in the muted sunlight.  Almost as though at any moment a fairy might be sleeping in the cool quiet palm of one of the blooms.  A strong breeze comes, the branches sway, and the flowers laugh with the sun.  Singing their joy.

-written 3/21/2011-

barefoot.....forever.....

barefoot.... running through a field....  free, like a deer, a bird, a child...

Not even the stones beneath can stop me with their sharp edges, or the hard pavement.  My feet will grow tough, and it will no longer bother me.  The sweet feeling of moist dirt, of sand, of soft grass.  

Running... flying free across the hard packed ground... one with the nature around me...

Amazing how good it feels to go barefoot.... not something that everyone understands... but something that is special... natural...  kissing the earth for a fleeting moment... and then moving on like a gazelle...  flying...  running... forever.... forever..... into the woods, into the trees, into the sunset.... forever....

-written 3/20/2011-

a little spider

Yesterday i worked out in the sun, picking up sticks and pulling up roots.  Hard work, dirt, heat.

tiring, exhausting, draining.  But good.

Partway through the day i realized that i was not appreciating the beauty around me.  Tired as i was, there was no excuse for not appreciating the pleasant day.  Complaining about the heat when the weather was gorgeous.  Seeing only the desolateness of the plowed over ground and the mud on my shoes.  Not the trees overhead, or the pattern of mud tracks, or the detail of each stick.  Not even the bugs or the stones.  

After that i tried to take a minute to look around and find something beautiful.  It was harder than i thought it would be.  But when we were finished - sitting in the shade resting - a spider crawled over near us.  Such an amazing little creation.  Black and silver and orange.  It's little fuzzy feelers and legs.  Crawling slowly and carefully with a missing leg.  Perfectly made how God planned.  

Coincidence it was there at that moment?... I think not.  And it made my day!

With dirty clothes and heavy eyes i climbed in the car and let the breeze from the window blow over me.

-written 3/12/11-

Videos In My Head

Videos in my head.  Never a script, or voices.  Videos playing in my head, memories floating past.

 

Playing with my daddy on the old green rug up in my room when i was little.
Reading under the hot covers at night with a flashlight so mommy wouldn't know.
Crying, and la la making me smile with our "happy tissue."
Getting scratches all over my legs because i went behind the shop to pick blackberries for my sissy.
Building a fort out of old greasy sheets.  Hooking them from tree to tree.
Folding hundreds of bulletins before church on Sunday mornings.
Watching dozens of paintballs coming at me with no way to avoid them.
Cuddling with my mommy.
Sitting with my daddy's arm around me.
Changing oil for the first time.
Trying to do silly crafts without success.
Learning how to ride my bike without training wheels.
Watching mommy play the guitar and sing for us before bed.
Having picnics in the backyard.
Being an adventurer, a mommy, an explorer.
Just being plain silly.
Dressing up, playing with dolls and Barbies - ditching it all to get dirty.
Anything new, i'd do.
How many more memories lay forgotten in the depth of my brain?  Videos, just waiting for me to push the play button, and watch the screen in my mind light up...
-written 3/4/2011-

in the midst of the mist of confusion

Confusion creeps in like a unforeseen mist, blinding me from my future.  Scattering my plans.  The little drops hang suspended in midair, landing on my skin.  i breathe in and my lungs fill with it, and my pace slows.  i reach in front of me, into the milky air through which i can't see.  My steps are tentative, slow, laborious.  My mind slowly clouds and i feel unconscious in my consciousness.  blind.  My heart aches, wanting to see, but i can't.  Dreams of the sun, of flowers.  Anything to dispel this sticky air that clings to me, pulling me down, drenching me, smothering me.
  
    And in the mist i see a hand, a foot.  Walking in front of me, the only things i can see in my blind stumbling.  No more of my bold steps, but i see something, glimpse hope.  A voice calling me, telling me to be bold, follow the path He makes, and i will not fall.
  The mist groans, and whispers to me, enticing me to stay, to wallow in it's coolness.  My brain clouds over again, but i force myself to blindly step out and follow the disappearing feet of my Guide.  Boldly stepping, until i can't go on again. 
 And then, just like before, He will come back for me.  Coax me on when i am weak and don't feel as if i can stand any longer.
 
       look... just look... keep looking and one day you will see... it may not be for a long time, but eventually you will see.
Right now i can't see why things happen, why i feel the ways i do.  But i know, that just like in my life before now, i will see.  And even if it isn't until i go to heaven, i will see.
-written 3/4/2011-

stuck

i shouldn't have gone there. But it seemed irresistible, so i did. And now i can't go back again, because my bridge has been burned. They say not to worry about crossing the bridge until you get to it. But did they ever consider that it might come crashing down as soon as you go across? Then where will you be? Stuck. With only the memory of what once was. 

  

Wouldn't it be wiser to look at the bridge from afar and ponder for a time whether or not to cross? Whether or not what's on the other side is worth the thrill of walking over that mysterious bridge. Because who knows? You could get stuck.

-written 3/1/11-

...i forgot.....................

i forgot... how to cry...

i don't know how, or when.

But today my heart was hurting, and no tears came to sooth my pain.

i realized how i have become so numb.  More so than i knew.

Instead of hurt, there was a dullness... i can't explain.

Not quite hurt, not quite an anger, not quite disappointment.  But a sea of welling emotions...

and it makes me sick.

The if's, the do's, the don't's, the maybe's, the shouldn't's, the will's, the promises,

...never... a word i wish i didn't know...

...always... another, i wish didn't exist...

because their meaning cannot be known... except through Christ... and then - only then - do we know what never & forever truly mean...

 -i love you... come back-

 

...i cannot feel... and nothing can hurt me... i am invincible... or so i tell myself...

...but somehow, some part of me, doesn't quite believe... 

...some small part that remembers I am actually human... some part that still is able to love...

and then i create pity for myself...
and i cannot explain how i block it all out... because even i have yet to figure it out... and if i did, i could never stop it by myself.

i am protected, and trapped, by this wall i have created... suffocated, kept alive... dying and living... forgetting to remember... remembering to forget... mistrust... and now i'm alone... except i'm not...  but i choose it...  because help only seems to hurt...
-written 2/26/2011-

green expo... i love you

Life is full of so many unexpected surprises!

  
i was watching two very precious kids at church tonight.  The older one, about nine years old told me to stand outside of the nursery.  i did, and a few minutes later she calls me in.  i walk in, knowing that she had done something that she wants me to notice.  Turning, i look around the room.  And there, on the white board that is hanging on the wall, i see in green expo marker the words "I love you."  Written by an inexperienced hand, with a heart beside it.  It was this precious little moment that made me feel so loved.  Knowing that I actually made an impact on this sweet energetic girl.  i wasn't trying, wasn't looking to pour into her life.  But somehow despite me not trying... some how, in some way i did.

 

This little action made me realize how much influence i have on those around me, especially those who are younger than me.  And even without realizing it I am influencing them by my actions.  i also realized how much these kids mean to me, even though i had never really thought about it before.  i forgot to stop and see the beauty.  Instead i thought of them as almost a nuisance.  A necessary part of the week.  But now i am reminded how precious each one is, even though they have imperfections, they all are beautiful creations of God.  And i have the privilege to know them, to play with them.  A few moments of their life in which i can pour into their life, and show them Christ.  They may not remember me, or what i did & said.  But God put me here.  

"Show me how to shine for you Lord."

-written 2/28/2011-

the colors of my soul

i always used to think that if I was a better writer, a better drawer, a better singer, a better dancer.  If only i were more talented.  Then i could express all that my heart feels.  All of my love, joy, sorrow, pain... but now i've come to the realization that words run out, colors are too few, melodies too simple, motion too limited.  

 

Feelings cannot be explained so that others can completely understand.  

i can never do enough so that my heart is turned inside out and others can comprehend what keeps me living each day.  Never - not in a million years - can anyone understand, can i ever create something that explains.  

 

But even though i know i can never express all that i desire to, i know that i must keep trying.  Never giving up until the day i see Jesus.  And then!... my soul will forget all sorrow, and it will be bursting with joy... my heart will be turned inside out and all the undiscovered colors, songs, and words that live inside of me will be set free!  And the God of the universe!  The Creater of creativity, of joy!  He will listen to the song of my heart.  Smile at the colors of my soul.  Dance with me... perfecting all that is within me.

  

Can you imagine?  All the pain of your soul being wiped away, and the sin encrusted on your heart scrubbed clean... so pure, so perfect, and yet nothing compared to God...  And even though i am nothing, He wraps His arms around me, His daughter, and tells me how He loves me.  i can't even imagine all of the feelings of fear, awe, joy, love, peace... better than a perfect spring day...

  

Oh how He loves us!

-written 2/23/2011-

...love...

The beauty of love... it is more amazing than we can know.  It comes in so many different forms.  Different faces, actions, words, feelings.

A listening ear of a friend - that's love.  A text from a buddy or an encouraging word - that's love.  A pat on the back or compassionate hug - that's love.  A simple act of serving - that's love.  A gift, a glance, a smile, a squeeze, a poke, a pat, a tear, a laugh................. that's love.
  

We use this word so freely today, to describe things we like.  "I love chocolate!"  but do we really understand what the word really means?  Do we always understand that love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is no self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers.  Love never fails... (1Corinthians 13:4-8a)
  

I am nowhere near being patient, I'm not always as kind as I know I should be.  I envy stuff people have that I don't all the time, I may not boast very loud but I slide remarks into my conversation about how well I did at something, and I am constantly battling pride.  I find myself being rude, and I'm nearly always self-seeking.  Let's not even talk about how easily I get mad, and how long of a record I have of how others have wronged me.  As a sinner, I find that I do delight in evil sometimes, even though I don't like to admit it.  I try to protect, it is hard to trust, hope grows tiresome, and I give up.  But still, love never fails, even when I mess up.  Yes I try to love.  To love like Christ.  But I am not perfect, and my love is not enough.  Christ must fill me with His love so that I can love like He loves us.  He died for us!
  

Who would I die for?  Who would I throw away my life for?  Give up all that makes me who I am, leave behind my family, friends.  Who?  A sinner?  The girl that just gets under my skin and agitates me?  The guy who keeps hating on life?  Who would I die for?  Who would YOU die for?  Who do you love enough that you would give up your life for?  God?
-written 2/13/2011-

thank you Jesus!

Today.... I felt content... the wind blew, the sun shone... and the day was beautiful!

To be there, and to feel free from life's worries... thank you

To love, and feel loved... thank you

To remember, and be remembered... thank you

To feel... thank you

Thank you for our five senses...
to hear... the sounds of nature, the sweet whisper of a child, the call of birds, every little sound that makes up life.... 

to smell... the smells of childhood, the smells of beauty, of nature, of being alive...
to taste... the sweetness of yummy cake, savory of my favorite dishes, a snowflake on my tongue... 

to feel... the softness of my mother's face, the roughness of a stone, the feel of dirt under my toes, the velvet of a flower...
to see... the beauty of a sunset, the details of a leaf, and more than we know... we see...

Thank you... thank you for all that you have blessed me with, and all I do not know I have... for everything... for all... my heart is overwhelmed by the love you have showed, through even the simple things we take for granted...

... thank you...

-written 2/21/2011-

My Story

A simple story... pages of writing...

I was looking back through my old journals... full of writing.  Some of it messy, some neat.  But looking at it, I was amazed at how much I have to say.  How much I have written though the years.  My story... my life... on pages, upon pages.  And yet it would never explain all of my story.  It will never tell all I have to say... all that is in my heart.

My love, my hate, my hurt, all written in one place.

My story... and only I understand... or do I...

-written 2/20/2011-

backseat...

"I wanna take charge, but I know that the truly great always were willing to be in the backseat and that to be like those I admire I must move over and let go."

-written 1/1/2011-

...beauty...

Why is it so hard to see beauty in the everyday?

In everything?

I don't understand, I can't comprehend why I can't see everything as beauty.  And why not?  It is there, just waiting to be noticed.... what does beauty mean?  Why beautiful?

We all notice the pretty things, the artwork hanging in museums, the spring flower blooming, the classical music playing.  All pretty things, yes, also beautiful, but noticed for their prettiness.  Then, what is the meaning of pretty?  It is the commonly accepted things, that all can see as aesthetically pleasing.  The elegant things, the things esteemed and admired by those who make beauty something that is difficult to obtain.  It is what we can easily fine beauty in, without trying.

This brings us back to what beauty means.  Beauty is art!  Anything that was created with love, with care.  It is anything that we can look at as more than its surface appearance, more than its imperfections.  Beauty isn't what something is, but what we see it as.  It doesn't start with the quality of the object itself, but with our heart, and what we can perceive it as.  Beauty is one of God's many gifts of love to us.

We, as humans, love beauty.  We appreciate pretty things, but we cherish beauty.  How else could we love?  I think of those I love, and are dear to me.  Do I only recall their mistakes?  No, I think of their beauty.  Not the past scars they have, or hurt they have caused me, but what makes them beautiful.  Admittedly this is hard, and I don't always succeed, but it is my life's passion to realize beauty in everything.  My fellow sinners especially.  If God made it, and He IS beauty, and He calls it very good, then who am I to conclude anything other than that it holds an immeasurable amount of beauty, beyond what even I can comprehend.  

The only thing that corrupts beauty...is sin.

It pulls a veil over my eyes, beauty no longer exists to me, and passion is gone.  The world becomes blank, empty, dull, void, lifeless.  But it is not that beauty has left the world, but that my heart fails to remember God's love for me, and all I see is sin.  The gap between me and God  is widened, and my heart fears the drop, forgets to trust.  Don't look down, keep your eyes fixed on God, His beauty.

"i praise YOU because i am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, i know that full well."

Show me how wonderful your works are God... how beautiful your creation is.  Remind me daily of the beauty I fail to notice.  Show me YOUR love, and show me how to shower it on others.  YOU created beauty......... remind me...

-written  2/18/2011-

Itsy Bitsy Me

Itsy Bitsy spider went up the water spout,

Down came the rain and washed the spider out,

Up came the sun and dried out all the rain,

and the Itsy Bitsy spider went up the spout again,

A little spider, God's own creation, perfectly formed by His holy hands.  Up that impossible water spout it climbs; up and up its delicate legs strain.  Until all at once the rain comes, big bursting drops of rain.  Gushing down that creaking water spout, spraying, drenching, drowning that poor determined spider.  Well despite the rain's interference this tenacious spider gets back up, still wet, half-drowned, and tries again.

This little spider can teach us so much about life, about being determined to keep working at something even when we get knocked down.  To keep trying when life throws hardships at us.  However the sun doesn't always dry up life's rain, and often we have to keep climbing our own water spout even while the water is rushing in torrents at us.

-written 2/17/2011-

Valentines Cookies!

<3  Yesterday was Valentines!  <3

And it started out as one of those days where you feel like everything will be perfect!  I woke up early(which I never seem to do) and fell back asleep a few times.  Was informed that I didn't have to work, which was very nice.  I even got out of bed and went downstairs before Laura Beth was even awake!

And as I walk into the dining room I see my amazing mother hard at work in the kitchen baking heart shaped sugar cookies!  YAY!!!  It is a tradition in our house to eat sugar cookies for breakfast on Valentines.  For some reason though I just wasn't sure we would get any this year.  But there they are!  Mom looks at me and I think she was a little surprised I was up.  

Well back upstairs I go to get ready, so as not to ruin the surprise of our special sugar cookies.  I wake La up and get dressed in Valentines colors as I do every year!  The only day of the year you can wear any shade of pink and red together and no one is allowed to make fun of you!  Or so I believe.

Then I ate my sweet sugar cookies, the best on the planet, with a steaming cup of coffee, and felt very content.  Coffee and Cookies... a wonderful start to a beautiful Monday!

Thank you God for the smell of coffee, for the warm embrace of a mother's hug, and for sweet sugar cookies on Valentines!

-written 2/15/2011-

smile :)

It's those people who make you smile that make life better.  Those people who can make you smile no matter what is going on, no matter how you might feel inside.  Even if your day doesn't get better, at least they gave you a ray of sunshine to hold on to for a while.  I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have people in my life who remind me to smile every once and a while. 

-written 2/12/2011-

A Few Quotes From Me................

"Righteous anger is no excuse for unrighteous behavior."

-written 2/11/2009-

"Babies are born up-side-down so they have smiley cheeks longer. 

Before the gravity and weight of the world pull its cheeks down into a frown."

-written 4/21/2009-

"God, I need help with these mountains...

Don't move my daily mountains for me... but show me how to move them for your glory"

-written 6/5/2009-

"Our can'ts are often just won'ts"

-written 6/5/2009-

"We are like children in the dark, stubbornly looking for a flashlight when you are holding it, waiting for us to ask."

-written 6/25/2009-

"Beauty is in simplicity as well as everything else."

-written 7/22/2009-

"The only way out of it, is through it!"

-written 9/8/2009-

"Who you were doesn't define who you are."

-written 10/18/2009-

"Love is the only thing that keeps us living."

-written 3/26/2009-

"I can't see past reality, but I feel an abstract world waiting on me."

-written 1/28/2009-

If...

If the world were different who would I be?  If there was no sin, what would I do?  If there was no love, how would I feel?  If there was no beauty, what would I see?

But I am who I am, sin is my struggle, love is my life, beauty is my passion.

My simple story is to love and show love - to reveal beauty to those who can't see it.  

For the beauty of the world shouts God's praises, sings of His glory, declares His love for us!

"Life is precious, Life is sweet, Like the earth beneath my feet!!!" 

Can I get an amen?!

Thank you God for reminding me to look for beauty in all things, even the small insignificant things!  Thank you for creating a world in which beauty is everywhere!  

"Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens... Your faithfulness stretches to the sky... Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains... Your justice flows like the ocean's tide..."

<3  Lift your voice and worship the God who invented beauty!!!  <3
-written 2/7/211-

...mist................

It appears as a thick white blanket until all at once it gives way to the sheerness of a brides veil.  Giving the mountain a cooling, quenching garment enclosing, enhancing, and sharing in its beauty.  I can not feel, I can not touch, I am but caught in beauty.  As away I wander, it dances unceasingly with the mighty mountains until the sun claims its turn.

-written 9/10/2009-

...my pen...

With my favorite pen I can create an imaginary world; a world that becomes real in my mind.  My dear pen glides easily over the fresh smooth paper and a door is opened.  I peer at the new world and ponder how to depict it.  A simple pen becomes a magic wand and I become the creator... dictator.  Where will I drift to as my pen - with its gleaming black ink - wanders across the page.

-written 9/15/2009-

Run in the Rain

The perfect end to a tiring day?... walk/run/skip around half our block in the rain.  Amazing!  I originally had planned to come home and take a little rest before getting back to work, but running in the rain was more rejuvenating than any nap could be.
To feel the wind rushing, the rain falling on my face.  Splashing in every puddle I saw.  Yes, it is good to act like a little kid once in a while.  

This is what makes life interesting.  The little moments when out of complete spontaneity you do something crazy, something silly, something daring.  In that moment, you are living.  Not just surviving, but letting go of all the cares that the world forces us to have, and simply trusting what the next moment brings, will be better than what this moment holds.  

Running through the rain, casting all my anxieties on God, and just feeling the water fall on my face.  Each drop like a refreshing little kiss.  Hair flying crazy behind me, arms stretched wide like an airplane.  All I could do was smile.  The whole world was singing with my soul.  A song of happiness, a song of joy, a song of how beautiful creation is!
-written 2/42011-

...drip...

Rain is like a symphony, interupted occasionally by the sound of thunder.  The brilliance of lightning bursts - and each drop of rain is frozen in a moment.  It is indeed impossible to part the sound of one raindrop from the rest on your own.  Yet each drop sacrifices itself for the piece of music as a whole.

-written 7/22/2009-

My Window & A Soap-Box

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do, after convincing myself that I should actually get up, is look out my window.  

It is a very nice window, right next to my bed overlooking our backyard.  Like a painting of my childhood.  The trees I grew up with, the grass that refuses to grow, the power lines that stretch out across the sky, the gutter that sits waiting to be used.  

Long ago did the stump of one of my favored trees disappear, as did the swing set that served the purpose of an air plane, house and safety from lava.  A honey suckle bush sits in the back of this window picture, the one that Siah taught me how to pick flowers from and extract the nectar.  

Slowly childhood fades, slowly new games are made, but I often see what used to be when I look out my bedroom window.  

The scene outside slowly changes - winter, spring, summer, fall.  And long has it been since I played with my friend.  So completely separate we live now, nature and I, but our memories are intertwined.  Like a friend that is always there to cheer me up if only I would remember.  They may call it Mother Nature but to me nature is a brother, a best friend, a lover.  It is a reflection of God, His beauty and power.  An expression of love towards us.

How can we not look at the things around us and not see beauty in all of them?!  It seems illogical that we go about our days without seeing how God has made everything, absolutely EVERYTHING(excluding sin) beautiful if we can just look at it as art, a creation, a gift.

Take mold, look at how it grows, the different patterns it makes, the colors, the texture, the shape.  Yes, it may ruin things, but is it not amazing that God made it in so many varieties?

Look around you... what can you realize is beautiful that at first glance seems ugly?

And now I will step down from my soap box... the end...
-written 2/3/2011-

The Simple Sound of Life

I stood beneath the once yellow tree, whose leaves now rustled brown.  The sound they uttered was much like that of a cheerful rain.  

Hopeful... the dry grass listened - then drooped upon finding the source of their hope, but the rustle of parched leaves. 
A man whistled a tune, a dog barked far away, as in the sunshine and in shade, I stood and listened to life.

- written 3/31/09 -

The Sound of Light!

"The sound of light is far too high for us to hear, yet we feel it.  Its laughter as it glitters and skips across rocks & glass.  We also feel its secrets as it seems to whisper desperately something to us.  We feel its rosy cheeks as it smiles at us and babbles gaily.  Even though we hear it happy, we also hear it sad.  When rain comes it is sad and so hides behind clouds, until it peeks out again to play & laugh.  We hear it in the morning as it says good day and we see it in the evening and hear it yawn.  We also feel & hear its calm when it is quiet and still."

-written 4/28/2009 -

Third Person

"I can kinda look at me in third person but my mind is so befuddled I can't quite do it all the way.  Which makes my third person view of the opinion that I'm befuddled.  It's kinda a cycle.  I'm confused so I look at me - outside of me - and all I see is a befuddled girl which doesn't help me clear my mind.  It just clouds me up even more."

- written 11/18/2010 -

The workman's hands...

The sacred palm of a workman's hands, the dirt beneath each fingernail, the calluses on each fingertip.  To the touch - is rough - but in the eyes of those who see true beauty; a masterpiece.  Worn and stained with dirt, but full of love and tenderness.  That is where true beauty lies, in the workman's hands...

- written 6/25/2008 -

(i love you daddy <3)