the past

a look into the past... leaves me trembling.

not the things that happened but how i felt.

emotions push me down further into a substance that clings to me.

the substance is despair.  

it is strong like an ocean's tide.  it is seductive like quicksand.  deadly like venom.

convincing me to give up and sink in.

 

i'm knocked over by the roaring gush of salty water, 

held firm by the groping fingers of sand. 

i breathe in poison as i gasp for air above the torrents of liquid despair.  

screams choke me, tears blind me, my heart beats wildly.

how to escape?

something, anything to stop this feeling - to stop the unexplainable, breath stealing pain.

a floating log, a rope, a tourniquet

at once it is gone and i can't feel it anymore.

something resembling peace, 

the water has receded, and the sand is still again beneath my feet, my heart is quiet.

 

...but the venom

where did that go?

it hasn't gone... it will not go... it has invaded my being,

it numbed my heart

what now?...what now?

where is the hope to heal my soul?
-written 7/6/11-