things...

there are so many things i long to say... long to do.  it has been so long since i have felt this way.

 i am jaded but the mundane of the day to day.  passion ebbs and fades when life's collar of duties tightens.  

oh how i fear and miss that passion.  desire to make a difference, to experience excitement, to find adventure, to become great.  how have i now been aroused but this passion, desire?  what is the cause? i don't want to be ordinary. 

 the emotion whelling up inside makes me want to scream.  to break through the ceiling and fly.

but no...

there is no leaving my current state.  no direction that my passion knows to follow.  no fleeing from my family, my friends, my love.  the feeling fades until it is nothing more than a fleeting hopeful ember, cooling slowly in my chest.

life is too necessary and practical to give way to passing excitement.  happiness doesn't stem from adventures.  how silly of me...

yet the question lingers... like the tide...  licking up along the edges of my thoughts... and out again.

-written 10/14/2014-

the past

a look into the past... leaves me trembling.

not the things that happened but how i felt.

emotions push me down further into a substance that clings to me.

the substance is despair.  

it is strong like an ocean's tide.  it is seductive like quicksand.  deadly like venom.

convincing me to give up and sink in.

 

i'm knocked over by the roaring gush of salty water, 

held firm by the groping fingers of sand. 

i breathe in poison as i gasp for air above the torrents of liquid despair.  

screams choke me, tears blind me, my heart beats wildly.

how to escape?

something, anything to stop this feeling - to stop the unexplainable, breath stealing pain.

a floating log, a rope, a tourniquet

at once it is gone and i can't feel it anymore.

something resembling peace, 

the water has receded, and the sand is still again beneath my feet, my heart is quiet.

 

...but the venom

where did that go?

it hasn't gone... it will not go... it has invaded my being,

it numbed my heart

what now?...what now?

where is the hope to heal my soul?
-written 7/6/11-

trash or treasure?

a twisted paper straw cover... some call it trash, others art...

a leaf strewn yard... some call it a saturday chore, others a collage of color...

 a broken body... some call it weakness, others love...
-written ll/3/11-

small sweet memories...

My sweetest memories... grease, oil, cars, forts. 

Not everyone grows up the same.  My childhood was full of hours at the shop, cars and the smell of all of the oils, greases, and fluids that are used to make it run.  The hours of building a fort out of sheets, of trying to climb up trees, of picking blackberries for my sister, of watching my daddy work on cars, of talking with customers.  
All of these things, all and more.
-written 2/21/11-

-my dash in between-

hello... goodbye

1994 - ????

i am the dash in between.... how will i live my hello-goodbye?

Because after the goodbye will come another hello... another "i don't know"

i am His princess... but do i wear the crown i've been given with joy?

Love knows no end... no beginning... just discovery and rediscovery

 -written 5/10/11-

time...

why does it feel like all i ever do is wait?

i wait on people at work, i wait for my day off, i wait to see my friends, i wait to do something eventful and fun.  i’m tired of waiting.  tired of just trudging through life with my eyes on tomorrow.  what about today? what about now?  why can’t each moment be full of wonder and excitement?  always trudging, always with my head down waiting. 

they says to stop and smell the roses.  and it is so true.  stop and smell the roses.  stop and watch the clouds float by.  stop and share a warm smile.  stop and stretch your toes as far as they will go.  stop and hug your sister.  stop and listen to the wind.  just stop.

but then all of the business closes back over me again.  like a rush of a million voices calling me back to my responsibilities. time is of the essence they say, but time is just another measurement of waiting.  waiting on time -  time waiting on me.  how do i stop time?  and no, i don’t mean literally make it stop altogether.  i mean make the idea of it stand still in my mind, my heart.  how do i reach into the depths of my soul and stop the urgent ticking.  stop that irritating noise of time gone by.  
tick…tick… tick…

how?

time doesn’t rule me!  it doesn’t own me!

this life is God’s.  not time’s.  not even mine.

no need to worry.  no need to rush…

…waiting on time - time waiting on me.

tick… tick… tick…

…

silence.

- written 4/17/14 -

toxic poison

how can people listen to the trash on the radio?

now, saying this i must admit that i do listen to some of it.  however, listening to the radio is what spurred me on to write this.  no offense to the good clean sweet love songs out there, but half the popular music is just so obviously evil.  listening to the radio a song came on and as i listened to the lyrics i came to a realization.

the general teenage public listens to this, yet the words so obviously spit evil, talking about how falling for some guy is toxic and poisonous.  does anyone know what real love means?  or is this generation just going to grow up with the idea that a poisonous addiction is love?  that sex is a devil induced high that makes one feel dirty and dangerous? why can't teens possibly realize that perhaps this high isn't worth the grimy feeling?

and then on top of that, songs are seducing teens to go after the slimy high that celebrities are all unsatisfied with.  if even the popular songs on the radio speak of this dirty poisonous addiction, as just that, then why can't people see?  how can they think it will satisfy them?

not only is the media seducing our generation with a poisonous idea of sex, they are then turning around and presenting it as part of the package in an idealized version of love.  then our generation pretends that this combination of lies and poison is what love is about.

sure, some of us say that it's dumb or of course it is bad.  Yet we listen to it, watch it, read it - with the excuse that the music has a good beat, the movie has a good plot, or the book has an interesting story line.

now, on top of that, it is so sad and infuriating that women are now the dangerous and aggressive ones.  i am rather surprised how much female artists have either aggressive or angry songs.  additionally, it is teaching young girls that it is popular to be the aggressive, active one in a relationship.  yet Biblically the man is the leader and while women have many more rights than they used to, the man is still generally considered the leader in a household.

we are being numbed to the poison and deadliness of the evil that this world is saturated in.
- written 5/9/12 -

swinging...

the disappearing sun.  legs tucked under me... letting the cold wind play with wisps of my hair.

forward and back again...

forward...bringing the pool close enough to touch...

back again... funny how the icy breeze envelopes me through the slats of the swing...

...forward and back again

content in the rolling motion...

should go inside... before it gets colder... 

don't want to go... don't want to move...

just one more minute... 

just one more...

- written 3/8/12 -