green expo... i love you

Life is full of so many unexpected surprises!

  
i was watching two very precious kids at church tonight.  The older one, about nine years old told me to stand outside of the nursery.  i did, and a few minutes later she calls me in.  i walk in, knowing that she had done something that she wants me to notice.  Turning, i look around the room.  And there, on the white board that is hanging on the wall, i see in green expo marker the words "I love you."  Written by an inexperienced hand, with a heart beside it.  It was this precious little moment that made me feel so loved.  Knowing that I actually made an impact on this sweet energetic girl.  i wasn't trying, wasn't looking to pour into her life.  But somehow despite me not trying... some how, in some way i did.

 

This little action made me realize how much influence i have on those around me, especially those who are younger than me.  And even without realizing it I am influencing them by my actions.  i also realized how much these kids mean to me, even though i had never really thought about it before.  i forgot to stop and see the beauty.  Instead i thought of them as almost a nuisance.  A necessary part of the week.  But now i am reminded how precious each one is, even though they have imperfections, they all are beautiful creations of God.  And i have the privilege to know them, to play with them.  A few moments of their life in which i can pour into their life, and show them Christ.  They may not remember me, or what i did & said.  But God put me here.  

"Show me how to shine for you Lord."

-written 2/28/2011-

the colors of my soul

i always used to think that if I was a better writer, a better drawer, a better singer, a better dancer.  If only i were more talented.  Then i could express all that my heart feels.  All of my love, joy, sorrow, pain... but now i've come to the realization that words run out, colors are too few, melodies too simple, motion too limited.  

 

Feelings cannot be explained so that others can completely understand.  

i can never do enough so that my heart is turned inside out and others can comprehend what keeps me living each day.  Never - not in a million years - can anyone understand, can i ever create something that explains.  

 

But even though i know i can never express all that i desire to, i know that i must keep trying.  Never giving up until the day i see Jesus.  And then!... my soul will forget all sorrow, and it will be bursting with joy... my heart will be turned inside out and all the undiscovered colors, songs, and words that live inside of me will be set free!  And the God of the universe!  The Creater of creativity, of joy!  He will listen to the song of my heart.  Smile at the colors of my soul.  Dance with me... perfecting all that is within me.

  

Can you imagine?  All the pain of your soul being wiped away, and the sin encrusted on your heart scrubbed clean... so pure, so perfect, and yet nothing compared to God...  And even though i am nothing, He wraps His arms around me, His daughter, and tells me how He loves me.  i can't even imagine all of the feelings of fear, awe, joy, love, peace... better than a perfect spring day...

  

Oh how He loves us!

-written 2/23/2011-

...love...

The beauty of love... it is more amazing than we can know.  It comes in so many different forms.  Different faces, actions, words, feelings.

A listening ear of a friend - that's love.  A text from a buddy or an encouraging word - that's love.  A pat on the back or compassionate hug - that's love.  A simple act of serving - that's love.  A gift, a glance, a smile, a squeeze, a poke, a pat, a tear, a laugh................. that's love.
  

We use this word so freely today, to describe things we like.  "I love chocolate!"  but do we really understand what the word really means?  Do we always understand that love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is no self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers.  Love never fails... (1Corinthians 13:4-8a)
  

I am nowhere near being patient, I'm not always as kind as I know I should be.  I envy stuff people have that I don't all the time, I may not boast very loud but I slide remarks into my conversation about how well I did at something, and I am constantly battling pride.  I find myself being rude, and I'm nearly always self-seeking.  Let's not even talk about how easily I get mad, and how long of a record I have of how others have wronged me.  As a sinner, I find that I do delight in evil sometimes, even though I don't like to admit it.  I try to protect, it is hard to trust, hope grows tiresome, and I give up.  But still, love never fails, even when I mess up.  Yes I try to love.  To love like Christ.  But I am not perfect, and my love is not enough.  Christ must fill me with His love so that I can love like He loves us.  He died for us!
  

Who would I die for?  Who would I throw away my life for?  Give up all that makes me who I am, leave behind my family, friends.  Who?  A sinner?  The girl that just gets under my skin and agitates me?  The guy who keeps hating on life?  Who would I die for?  Who would YOU die for?  Who do you love enough that you would give up your life for?  God?
-written 2/13/2011-

thank you Jesus!

Today.... I felt content... the wind blew, the sun shone... and the day was beautiful!

To be there, and to feel free from life's worries... thank you

To love, and feel loved... thank you

To remember, and be remembered... thank you

To feel... thank you

Thank you for our five senses...
to hear... the sounds of nature, the sweet whisper of a child, the call of birds, every little sound that makes up life.... 

to smell... the smells of childhood, the smells of beauty, of nature, of being alive...
to taste... the sweetness of yummy cake, savory of my favorite dishes, a snowflake on my tongue... 

to feel... the softness of my mother's face, the roughness of a stone, the feel of dirt under my toes, the velvet of a flower...
to see... the beauty of a sunset, the details of a leaf, and more than we know... we see...

Thank you... thank you for all that you have blessed me with, and all I do not know I have... for everything... for all... my heart is overwhelmed by the love you have showed, through even the simple things we take for granted...

... thank you...

-written 2/21/2011-

My Story

A simple story... pages of writing...

I was looking back through my old journals... full of writing.  Some of it messy, some neat.  But looking at it, I was amazed at how much I have to say.  How much I have written though the years.  My story... my life... on pages, upon pages.  And yet it would never explain all of my story.  It will never tell all I have to say... all that is in my heart.

My love, my hate, my hurt, all written in one place.

My story... and only I understand... or do I...

-written 2/20/2011-

backseat...

"I wanna take charge, but I know that the truly great always were willing to be in the backseat and that to be like those I admire I must move over and let go."

-written 1/1/2011-

...beauty...

Why is it so hard to see beauty in the everyday?

In everything?

I don't understand, I can't comprehend why I can't see everything as beauty.  And why not?  It is there, just waiting to be noticed.... what does beauty mean?  Why beautiful?

We all notice the pretty things, the artwork hanging in museums, the spring flower blooming, the classical music playing.  All pretty things, yes, also beautiful, but noticed for their prettiness.  Then, what is the meaning of pretty?  It is the commonly accepted things, that all can see as aesthetically pleasing.  The elegant things, the things esteemed and admired by those who make beauty something that is difficult to obtain.  It is what we can easily fine beauty in, without trying.

This brings us back to what beauty means.  Beauty is art!  Anything that was created with love, with care.  It is anything that we can look at as more than its surface appearance, more than its imperfections.  Beauty isn't what something is, but what we see it as.  It doesn't start with the quality of the object itself, but with our heart, and what we can perceive it as.  Beauty is one of God's many gifts of love to us.

We, as humans, love beauty.  We appreciate pretty things, but we cherish beauty.  How else could we love?  I think of those I love, and are dear to me.  Do I only recall their mistakes?  No, I think of their beauty.  Not the past scars they have, or hurt they have caused me, but what makes them beautiful.  Admittedly this is hard, and I don't always succeed, but it is my life's passion to realize beauty in everything.  My fellow sinners especially.  If God made it, and He IS beauty, and He calls it very good, then who am I to conclude anything other than that it holds an immeasurable amount of beauty, beyond what even I can comprehend.  

The only thing that corrupts beauty...is sin.

It pulls a veil over my eyes, beauty no longer exists to me, and passion is gone.  The world becomes blank, empty, dull, void, lifeless.  But it is not that beauty has left the world, but that my heart fails to remember God's love for me, and all I see is sin.  The gap between me and God  is widened, and my heart fears the drop, forgets to trust.  Don't look down, keep your eyes fixed on God, His beauty.

"i praise YOU because i am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, i know that full well."

Show me how wonderful your works are God... how beautiful your creation is.  Remind me daily of the beauty I fail to notice.  Show me YOUR love, and show me how to shower it on others.  YOU created beauty......... remind me...

-written  2/18/2011-

Itsy Bitsy Me

Itsy Bitsy spider went up the water spout,

Down came the rain and washed the spider out,

Up came the sun and dried out all the rain,

and the Itsy Bitsy spider went up the spout again,

A little spider, God's own creation, perfectly formed by His holy hands.  Up that impossible water spout it climbs; up and up its delicate legs strain.  Until all at once the rain comes, big bursting drops of rain.  Gushing down that creaking water spout, spraying, drenching, drowning that poor determined spider.  Well despite the rain's interference this tenacious spider gets back up, still wet, half-drowned, and tries again.

This little spider can teach us so much about life, about being determined to keep working at something even when we get knocked down.  To keep trying when life throws hardships at us.  However the sun doesn't always dry up life's rain, and often we have to keep climbing our own water spout even while the water is rushing in torrents at us.

-written 2/17/2011-